My daughter said that somebody had tried to bully my grandson. A terrifying wave of justifiable anger surged through me. Within moments I had decided the only answer would be a petrol bomb. If the entire family who had refused to punish the child had to perish then so be it. I’ve never spoken to this family, or had any contact, but in my head, the discussion had gone badly and the time to act had passed.
Without being able to discuss this insanity in the freedom of my group, how could I survive? At some point I would act on the crazy thoughts. I can never indulge myself in the fantasy of stepping ovwr the line. The moment I do, the sickness takes me to places I don’t want to visit.
One day I might be able to not react this way, but I haven’t reached it yet. My only hope is to continue with the daily reprieve contingent on maintaining a fit spiritual condition. Now where did I hear that before…
Showing posts with label anger and control. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anger and control. Show all posts
Monday, 18 April 2011
Monday, 4 April 2011
Why do bad thoughts last so long?
It’s odd isn’t it, but bad thoughts stay in my head and if I’m not careful they grow.
This week I was driving my wife’s car. It’s not the fastest and it has the overtaking power of a snail, but it gets us around. I signalled to pull into a layby, slowed down and pulled in. As I did, a Mercedes blasted his horn at us.
Now, I’m never going to see this person again, but I wanted to kill them. Why did they do that? They have to be punished. As we drove on, I wanted to catch them up. If I did I was going to leap out and rip them from their comfy cocoon and beat them to a pulp. I was going to…
All that insanity dropped from nowhere and left me with a rage to control. Not only that, I then started to dig through other times I’d been annoyed for no good reason and started to relive those as well.
Crazy thinking that I need to control is always waiting to get me. The search for a perfect serenity isn’t over yet. At the next traffic lights I thought they were two cars in front and debated. I held back. As we turned I realised it was a different car. Thankfully, think twice worked.
This week I was driving my wife’s car. It’s not the fastest and it has the overtaking power of a snail, but it gets us around. I signalled to pull into a layby, slowed down and pulled in. As I did, a Mercedes blasted his horn at us.
Now, I’m never going to see this person again, but I wanted to kill them. Why did they do that? They have to be punished. As we drove on, I wanted to catch them up. If I did I was going to leap out and rip them from their comfy cocoon and beat them to a pulp. I was going to…
All that insanity dropped from nowhere and left me with a rage to control. Not only that, I then started to dig through other times I’d been annoyed for no good reason and started to relive those as well.
Crazy thinking that I need to control is always waiting to get me. The search for a perfect serenity isn’t over yet. At the next traffic lights I thought they were two cars in front and debated. I held back. As we turned I realised it was a different car. Thankfully, think twice worked.
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